Chapter 11

The £1000 kiss or the law of diminishing returns:

When I was young, I suppose that like many another young man, my main ambition in life was to sleep with every woman in the known universe, starting with the pretty ones.

Now, of course as I grow older this ambition has been slowly diminished. I sometimes go for significant periods of time - minutes even- without thinking about sex. In general I think this is a good thing. For example it gives me more time to think about the other important things in life, such as watching cricket on TV and drinking beer in the local bar with various of my male friends.

It is also good because in general I have less energy than I used to have and so it takes more of my available energy to pursue a lady than it used to. This means, of course, that to make the pursuit worthwhile then the lady in question has to be far more attractive. But this means that the lady, being more highly desirable, will be less likely to fall for the charms of an aging Lothario.

Here we have then the law of diminishing returns. "As a man ages then as he puts more and more energy into the pursuit of women, he has less and less success."

I can only surmise that at some time in the not too distant future then I will have to give up sex altogether - or rather perhaps it will give me up altogether.

I think I am at the stage in life where sex has ceased to be an imperative - it has become merely a luxury - but it is a luxury which I do not wish to give up - yet.

Coming to stay in Bangtao has of course been interesting because it is in a part of the world where pensioned off farangs, complete with Zimmer frames, pursue and are pursued by young Thai ladies who have an interest in feeling the size of their wallets. This is a game which has been played out since time immemorial and, in some ways, and certainly from a moral stance, I have no strong feelings about this either for or against.

However there is another aspect of all this which as sure as night follows day gets me into all sorts of trouble and confuses me. I don't just want sex. I want to love and be loved. Expressed simply all I want from life is to wake up every morning lying next to the girl I love.

I have been fortunate in that throughout my adult life for approximately one half of that time this has been the case. However I have now been living on my own for something like ten years and apart from some, I would have to admit, entertaining interludes, some of which I had rather hoped at the time would develop, then this has not been the case.

My friends in the Coffee House heave deep sighs and tell me I am a fool. They tell me that Phuket is not the place to be looking for love - it is merely a place for sexual skirmishes, where everything has a price, albeit an affordable one if one is existing on a European income.

The trouble is that I know , logically, that they are probably right. But that is not how it feels deep in my heart.

So, ever the optimist I have embarked on the pursuit of a lady. A lady who clearly enjoys my company. A lady who resolutely refuses to take me seriously and who, unlike most other Thai ladies I have met, does not appear to have an undue interest in my wallet. With her requests to me to "slow down" she also appears not to be very interested in sharing my bed. This is all a little perplexing but she does confuse things for me a little by saying she just wants to be friends and then inviting me to go on holiday with her.( I take it that means separate rooms then!).

Now although she doesn't chase me for money I have to admit that I bought her a nice necklace for her birthday. And of course when we go out I pay for the meals, the tenpin bowling and the drinks etc. Oh yes and I forgot that I gave her some money for a plane flight to visit her daughter and some money for her mother to have an operation and I've just ‘lent’ her some money to buy a motorbike.

Hmmmm! I've never bothered to work it out before but I reckon that lot comes to about £1000.

So why do I do this? Once when I was returning to England she accompanied me to the airport. As I turned to leave she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

The £1000 kiss.

I suppose the obvious question is: “Was it worth it?”

The answer, in a word is “Yes”.