Chapter 42

Chiang Mai Dreaming:

In some ways I have lead a very fortunate life. An example of this is that only twice in my life have I had to endure the intolerable stress of being close to the woman who I deeply desired whilst she was even closer to her current inamorato.

This is a situation which is not easy to cope with.

The first time this happened I was with my wife in the next room whilst the girl in question was being entertained rather noisily by a mutual friend. Tricky or what!
Frustration is a silly thing but, of course, what one cannot have is always more attractive than what can have. Nevertheless it is not much fun standing on the sidelines, as it were, applauding such activities.
In this case being constrained from showing any irritation by the presence of my wife was a further maddening feature of the episode.
Yes ok I know I don’t come out of this as a hero - I’m just trying to explain how it was.

The second time was many years later when whilst I was trying to fool myself that I was still an attractive proposition then the lady in question decided to fall heavily in lust with a young colleague.
The activity took place in a tent about ten paces from my caravan. It is amazing how much noise can be generated during such activities. Particularly when, as a perhaps slightly less than less innocent bystander, I was trying to get some sleep.
Ah me! The exquisite agony!!

But now, of course, I have grown up, perhaps I am even approaching some sort of maturity - though it must be confessed at a very leisurely pace. So such activities do not disturb my tranquillity.

Or do they?

Since spending time here in Bangtao I have created friendships with many people, Some of them platonic and some of them not. In order to maintain some of these friendships I have had to agree to a degree of platonicity in order to prevent the imminent demise of the said relationship. Yeh! I know “just good friends”.
If another Thai girl calls me “Papa Reb” I might just lose my sense of humour.

A case in point is May. I have made it no secret in my stories that May has an effect on me which is “beyond reason”. Why? Well who knows what causes these bizarre, irrational feelings?
Well actually I do. But I’m not prepared to go into that just at the moment. Suffice it to say that May and I are just good friends.

At the moment I am in Phuket and May is in Chiang Mai, a place she much favours. She also much favours a young farang who is also at the moment in Chiang Mai.

Should I care? Of course not - after all we are just good friends are we not?

Do I care? Well that is where life gets interesting. Yes I do care. Yes I do care rather a lot but……..not so much as I thought I would.

So what is happening here? Not very long ago in this circumstance I would have been banging my head against a brick wall and struggling hard to maintain my sanity. But I’m not doing this. What is up with me?

Is this what maturity is about? Have I finally learned how to cope with dreaming impossible dreams? Have I finally achieved that inner calm which I equate with Buddhism, Nirvana and heavenly peace?

Well I guess that is just about possible but actually……

I reckon that I’m just getting old !!!