Chapter 68

Can't buy me love:


The other evening in a fit of possible lunacy I asked my lady friend for sex because, as I explained, I was desperate, hadn't had sex for weeks. I was hard up, strapped for sex, starving etc. etc.
The use of these terms may seem a little incongruous but read on dear reader and the meaning will become clear.

My request was received with a look of icy shock of the "over my dead body" sort. No surprise there then.

"But just a minute" I said.
"Look at it from my point of view."
"For the past five years that I have known you, you have, whenever you have been in financial trouble, that is to say you have been hard up, strapped for cash, starving,etc.etc. called on our friendship to get me to help ease your problem."
True? Yes you know it is. And I, of course have helped you."
"All I am asking now is that you return the compliment."
"Is that so hard." Hmm! another unfortunate phrase I guess.
"Surely that is what friendship is about, giving and taking."

The look on milady's face was one of bafflement.

She has not recently asked me for help since she has, as I understand it, moved in with and is being 'sponsored by' ( I believe is the expession) some other gentleman.
This means, of course, that her memory of any friendship that she had for me and of the way she used this, in her times of need, has mysteriously vanished from her mind.

Now I do understand that, since it is a natural function of the human mind to forget one's debts with alacrity whilst remembering what one is owed for ever. Mind you I still have pangs of conscience about £15 which I never paid off to a friend, alas long dead, fifty years ago, who sold me the delightful 1930 Austin 7 car which I still own.

However I have spent five years rather hoping that the ice-maiden would melt just a little bit.
Warmth has never been her strong point and has been in short supply. I have striven to help her share some of that warmth that I have always hoped was there. But I fear that it probably just does not exist.

A sad state of affairs to be sure.

But anyway this leads me to the point of this story:

I have many people I term as friends. In general I consider someone to be my friend, not just because they are on Facebook but because we know each other and like each other. I now feel that this is a too general embrace-all category which needs to be refined.

I propose to refine, define and categorise friendship as follows:

1) Best friend and/or Lover. (I would like to think these would often be the same person, but certainly not exclusively).

2) Special Friend. A person who you know well and like and really care about, the feeling being mutual.

3) Good Friend . A person who you know quite well and like and who appears to feel similarly inclined.

4) Friend Grade A. A person who you know well, is reasonably good company and appears to feel the same about you.

5) Friend Grade B. A person who you know well, like and care about but who doesn't really seem to feel the same way about you.

6) Friend Grade C. A person who you know but not so well, who is reasonably good company and who seems to feel the same about you.

7) Friend Grade D. A person who you know, who you like but is indifferent to you.

8) Friend Grade E . A person you know - full stop - probably better defined as an Acquaintance.

Beyond this list friendship ceases to exist. Someone you do not like, however well you know them, is not a friend.

The order above is not set in stone. It does not imply any quality judgement on the friend, as such.

It does however suggest a way of judging how one wishes to react to one's relationships.

Personally I would treat a 'Best friend' as though they were my alter ego. That is to say anything I have is theirs for the asking.

A 'Good Friend' I would treat as well as I could subject to not interfering with my relationship with my 'Best friend'.

A 'Grade A Friend' I would extend my hospitality to as well as possible whilst not interfering with the above categories.

This scaling I would then carry on down the list to the level that an 'Grade E aquaintance' would receive little, if any, support from me as indeed, I would expect little support from them.

So how should I categorize the afore mentioned lady?

Ah me this is difficult. I would have dearly liked to have categorised her as a Special Friend or at least a Good Friend, but I fear that this is a delusion.
Probably I should categorize her as a 'Grade B Friend' which means, in truth, that since she does not , as far as I can see, reciprocate my pleasure in helping her then I should not waste my time in doing so.

Now please do note that I fully realize that a hint of jealousy and frustration may have crept into this story. I should apologize for this but, hey, please remember that I am not only a writer but also a human being.

However, feelings are funny things and, despite my reservations about her, should this effort be published and make me money then I will happily give 10% of it to the lady in question, whoever she is living with.

Because my sweet lady you are a class act and hell! you're worth it.