Chapter 76

Barred:

In a slightly coarse way (sensitive readers go to next story) I was amused a few years ago by the following story:

A man walks into a pub to meet his friends.
"Hi guys" he says.
"Hi" they reply "Are you OK?"
"Yes I feel great thanks. Why do you ask?"
"You look terrible."
"Really? that's odd cos I feel great."
"No seriously you really look terrible - perhaps you should get a doctor to check you out."
Now if this had just happened once he would have dismissed it - But the next day the same thing happened - and the day after.
So, slightly alarmed he went to see his doctor who confirmed that he looked terrible but had no suggestions as to the cause. He sent him to a consultant who confirmed the facts but was also unable to find the cause.
Well to cut a long story short eventually the man ended up seeing a specialist in rare psycho/physiological disorders.
He listened carefully to the man's story and confirmed that whilst he was looking awful he felt really great.
He smiled. "Don't worry" he said. "I know exactly what your problem is."
"Oh that's fantastic" said the man. "So what is my problem?"
"Basically" said the specialist, "your problem is that you're a cunt."

Last night, in my bar, I had the opportunity to relate this story - but I blew it.

May's boyfriend - yes he of the continuous 'F's and 'C's came into my bar with a few of his friends. He was already well on the way to insobriety.
I think he was annoyed with me because he thinks that I have endevoured to dissuade May from consorting with him. He is, of course, absolutely correct in that surmise. I reckon that May should have the wit to find somebody with more going for him than this particular alcoholic nonentity.

As he rapidly drunkened, his language became more agressive, though as usual very two dimensionally as he has a limited vocabulary, particularly of expletives.
He eventually staggered round to my side of the table and hissed into my ear words to the effect that I was just jealous because he was fucking May and I wasn't. Actually I seem to remember the exact words were "fucking fucking May and you fucking aren't".

This annoyed me for two reasons. Firstly because it was clearly true and secondly because it reduced the value of the relationships to that level.
I suppose he has to as he is incapable of any finer thoughts.

So with the thought of my starting story in my head - I blew it! by reducing it to its punch line.

"You know what your trouble is Paul?" I said "You're a cunt."