Chapter 9

Living the Thai life:

There is an aspect to Thai life and culture which I am finding very difficult to cope with.

It is the complete reluctance of a Thai person to offend anybody. It is carried to such extremes that I frequently, and quite unintentionally, upset local people because I have not understood what they mean.

The other evening, in a bar, a friend of mine asked the barmaid for a fairly complicated cocktail. She nodded, smiled and disappeared. She did not return with the drink. I think what happened was that she did not understand what he had asked for and did not know how to ask him for more detail without offending him. The trouble is, he didn't get his drink and anyway I may have totally misinterpreted the events.

Yesterday I had a lovely afternoon talking to a Thai lady friend. This morning we were supposed to be seeing each other and looking for a motor bike for me. At midday I telephoned her and enquired after her health. "Ok" she said not very positively. "nit noy?" I suggested. "Yes" she said. Apparently she had gone to bed very late and didn't feel brilliant today. "Ok" I said, "Don't worry about seeing me today. I'll give you a call this evening"

A slight pause was followed by "Ok". Now the question I have is this: Does she mean that she actually had a late night and doesn't feel too good or is she merely politely saying she doesn't really want to see me again?

It seems to me that here in Thailand the response would be the same in both cases. How am I, as a mere farang, to distinguish between them?

Now in my home country people try to be polite but usually not to the extent that the message doesn't get through. It is perhaps difficult in any language or culture to tell someone to "get lost" politely. Surely there is a time when one must spell out what one means even though it might be hurtful to the listener.

I am told by people at home that I am far too easy going and non-confrontational and I suffer deep anguish when I have to say something to somebody which I know will upset them. I remember once fleeing from my house for a month because I hadn't the strength of will to tell a lodger that I didn't want him there anymore.

In my twenty or more years of running a business I never ever sacked anybody. The nearest I got to it was when, after much agonised deliberation, I called a man into my office to sack him, only to have him tell me that he had some bad news for me. He had got another job!

But here in Thailand this non-confrontational, non-antagonistic way of life is clearly a deeply engrained part of the culture. I admire it greatly and I guess it is associated with the excellent Buddhist philosophy. It is spiritually magnificent. It is essentially good.

In England it is said that a gentleman is a man who never insults anybody - accidentally.

So please, somebody, somewhere, explain to me how I am to interpret what is said to me, just so that I can at least attempt to be a gentleman.